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Archive for December, 2015

“Good” Goodbye 2015

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https://youtu.be/jm9ubd3iqnM

I’m very emotional today and I don’t really have an explanation for it. Of course, I’m reflective of this year, but it’s not merely that. I just know that we were born into this world full of emotion and we go out of the world full of emotion, and although intellect got me through high school, undergrad, and vet school…emotion has propelled and prepared me throughout life. So, I’ve made peace with myself about not feeling ashamed as tears make a pathway down my face in this moment or any future moments. I know that as countless smiles and laughs  have left it’s mark through 2 visible trails of lines on either side of my refined, small lips,  there are many yet to come. Although, that phrase has a double meaning.

As I think of my life in all it’s glory and pain, I see my growth and lack thereof. It makes me want to do better and  be better in spite of all the changes and unprocessed situations. I pride myself on being real, upfront, straight forward. Then I think of how much I’ve held myself back from crying  (often a bitter, but necessary and sweet release), speaking my heart and mind, speaking my truth and I think..”You’re not the realistist you thought you were; you’re not quite where you should be in life; you’ve  made a lot of amateur mistakes.”

There were many moments that I spent  massive  time and energy beating myself up over the mistakes I’ve made, over  informed but wrong decisions  I’ve made that I can’t call mistakes . I’d honestly yet compassionately just call stupid.

At this point,  I can finally see myself. I can see where I was, where I am, where I want to be, but most importantly where I’m destined to be, in spite of mistakes and the struggle…as hard as it may seem and it will eventually get ..with every small detail all worth it.

The appreciation for who I’ve become-those experiences, places, and people who helped mold me..break me…build me up…stregthen me…set a foundation..chiseled away at my edges…went in for the kill.. it sustains my strength..which is my spirit to remain relentless and assures me that there is love and there is God and both those things abide within one.

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Constructive Criticism

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Ego—depending on the man and how he manages it–instead of allowing  it to manage him, it could serve to help or hurt him. It is my belief that it is perhaps the hardest thing for a man to allow  himself to be vulnerable enough to allow a woman a glimpse into his mind…never mind his heart. It’s hard for the same reason every other thing we fear is hard to do or overcome-the possibility ultimately of failure.

Yet, what is more weak than letting fear conquer you and claim those things that could actually make you a better and mentally stronger person, a better man?  Furthermore, what about the possibility of absolute greatness in love?  A discerning man of a good woman….is truly a brilliant man; he is able to let down his guard as he recognizes that she is his defense and anytime his barriers are down, she is  a massive shield around him, as she, too,  is a woman of discernment and more importantly substance.

Black men, in general, do not seem to do well with accepting constructive criticism, especially from women. This is true for some women as well (I’ll do a separate post on this).

Usually, it is asked: How did you word it? Were you too harsh, too direct, demeaning? uhhh…perception. While it is true that how you  say things can sometimes certainly influence how someone perceives what you say and why you said something, there are many people, no matter how you say it and with the best of intention you present it, who will still have a bruised ego.

Some will say, if you had just said it this way or that way, it would have been received better, but the truth of the  matter often times is it doesn’t matter how you say it, it’s that you said anything at all contrary to them, what they think, or believe.

How, then, are you supposed to have an actual in depth conversation with a man who’d in all honesty rather you keep your ideas and opinions very superficial? How are you  supposed to help each other with personal growth..that is growing both emotionally, mentally, and intellectually, which is such a foundational strength when elevated on an interpersonal level??…when if ever you offer some constructive criticism, perhaps a different perspective– they accuse you of of not being supportive (which is actually stark opposite of what you’re trying to do)  or not understanding.

This is in spite of you first recognizing that you’ve heard them, understand their feelings, thoughts, and ideas towards whatever the topic may be. That’s right— you can not grow with a person like this– and this person is unlikely to grow in numerous ways any time soon; you can not be deep with a person like this and you can not actually get to know a person like this at core-their lack of vulnerability and open communication will  simply not allow you to. The ego is never the composition of the core or character; it, however, simply is a composition lacking in character but somehow still at the core.