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Archive for Women

Taking Care|of Self|Loving Self|Free Yourself

         Take care of yourself and actually indulge in taking care of yourself whenever you get an opportunity. Instead of taking a 15 min shower, take a 30 min luxurious bubble bath with music, candles, beads and all your favorite things. Instead of grabbing just anything to eat before heading to work, stash some of your favorite treats, drinks, foods in the refrigerator to grab that are actually enjoyable and nutritious on your way to work. Instead of jumping out of bed and rushing to work everyday, get out of bed stretch and take the world in by taking a walk outside, enjoying the morning and fresh air, listening to the birds, relaxing for a few minutes, then get ready for work while listening to the radio. On your lunch break, instead of gulping down fast-food, eat some fruit, something that is salubrious, yet something that you actually enjoy. Instead of watching TV when you get home or getting on the internet, take a nap, do something fun and exciting with friends or family, or try something new to you.

 Although work, family, friends, school, etc are all things that need attention, it is important to remember that YOU NEED ATTENTION as well. Make the time! I think it is especially sagacious for everyone to make room in their lives for themselves. This is especially essential for women. Often times we find little time for ourselves because we are always taking care of someone else or something else. With school, work, friends, and family, it can be hard finding time for self. Women new and old to motherhood suffer mostly from this. More than this, when they do take out time for themselves, some even feel guilty for having done it. There is no need for guilt, you as a mother and as a woman….but more importantly as a human being need to take time for yourself…breath…look around you…rest….and appreciate the beautiful things in life, the things that make life truly worth wild and the beautiful things within yourself that doesn’t involve anyone else but you. This should be done often, if not everyday, not just on Mother’s day! Plan and make time for yourself and during this time… it’s all about you and what you want to do. Don’t neglect yourself!

Mothers that typically take care of home, children, husband, and seemingly everything else and everyone else while working all at the same time often find it a daunting task to find time for themselves because at the end of the day, she is simply drained—often forgetting and neglecting her mind and body’s daily needs and attention. Her hair is often not kept, pajamas and “around the house” cloths  began to be normally worn outside of the house, and all together fatigue is set in her face and around her eyes. It’s the same old sad song— the husband complains that she is not as “attractive” as she was before. Uh, Hello! Perhaps she’s overwhelmed with things you (as a husbandbarely think or act to give a helping hand in. Is a marriage not supposed to be a partnership where you help each other? Now a days, it seems so alloy.

Simple guide that anyone can follow (Just do it!):

  • Give yourself time and space just to think
  • Make it a habit to get up early in the morning before anyone else, before starting your day, allowing time for yourselfalso do this in the evening or before going to sleep. During this time, it is important to be away from  all disturbances—so that means be alone. (30-60 mins).
  1. Take walks
  2. Do relaxing exercises (Mediation/Yoga)
  3. Read some pages of your favorite book
  4. Write down positive thoughts while in open, clear, clean space.
  5. Write poetry
  6. Take long, luxurious baths/showers
  7. Enjoy the sun rise/set, fresh air, gaze at a stand (group of trees) and the rest of nature
  8. Get and maintain a garden (flowers, fruit, other food, etc)
  • Sometimes, even though you can get a few things done, it can be fatigable even irritating trying to relax while having to watch kids, so sometimes leave them with their father, grandmother, or babysitter for a while and bring them back a treat.
  1. Drive to or lock yourself in a quiet space and get some things accomplished
  2. Go to the spa
  3. Go shopping…
  4. Go to the hair/nail shop…
  5. Go out with friends every now and then to relax
  6. Go to social events/take up a hobby (swimming, salsa dancing, instruments, belly dancing, etc) that you commit to once or twice a week
  • Eschew overwhelming yourself, if you need help doing something or a break, tell someone!
  • Having to cook, clean, and take care of kids everyday after pulling a 8-5 job can be tough try sometimes…
  1. Letting your children and husband do the cooking  (breakfast, dinner, or lunch)
  2. While you are cooking, let your husband wash the dishes or vice versa
  3. Cooking with your husband/boyfriend (breakfast, dinner, or lunch)
  4. Letting your husband/boyfriend cook for you (breakfast, dinner, or lunch)
  5. Letting your husband get the kids ready for school
  6. Letting your husband go out with/spend time with the kids

  • Take real vacations and travel, not vacations where you will be at home having to deal with cooking, cleaning, etc. Get away for a while either by yourself, with your husband/boyfriend, or with the whole family.
  • (Personal favorite) Watch/walk into/listen to the rain as it falls to earth
  • Sometimes just enjoy doing nothing…take reverence in just being alive.
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Tyra Banks|Black Women|State of|the Union

There is an increasing number of educated and/or independent, black women…we’ll call them “EIBW”and a decreasing amount of these women who are actually getting married. Why is this? I have perused this situation.

These newly breed EIBW typically recant the same, old “gender roles” their parents probably assumed. The normal “duties” such as: cooking, cleaning, and taking care of children for a woman are becoming more uniform being that both parties are leading very busy and ambitious lives. There really aren’t too many professions that a man is in that you won’t at least see one woman.

Black males from broken homes as well as homes where their fathers were present, typically saw their mothers and grandmothers assume the role of caretaker, provider, cleaning, and cooking while their fathers either not around at all, doing his own thing, or those who were around just as providers, and fixing things around the house for the most part. Sometimes male egos are objected to the idea of actually having to take care of a child, let alone provide for the child financially, because often it is seen as something “feminine” to rock a child to sleep, give a child a bottle, bath, or change a diaper. At most, they would play with the child when it’s happy or take the child to daycare but no real caretaker position is usually assumed. You may hear things like “it’s a woman’s job” or “I don’t know how to do this or that”. It’s called learning, lest one forgets no female is born knowing how do take care of a child in any way; she had to learn too. Therefore, it’s safe to say that these statements are merely excuses for not wanting to take part in these responsibilities. Further proof of this is in the increasing number of black males who are fathering children but not married to the woman/women who mother their children who throw their child(ren) off on their (the male’s) mothers and grandmothers to take care of the child when it’s their (the male’s) “ turn” to take care of and spend time with their (the male’s) child(ren).

Of course, none of this applies to everyone meeting this demography, but a lot of it has to do with their (black males and females) upbringing and the “roles” that their mothers, grandmothers, and fathers played or didn’t play. For some black females, there is resentment, so to speak, from being inured—in the fact that their mothers and grandmothers were seemingly overwhelmed by daily housework, children, cooking, and cleaning— almost single handedlyand all the while working (as someone’s employee) just as hard and pulling just as many hours as their father. It typically wasn’t so much, for the woman of that time, ambition as it was trying to make “ends meet”. Some of these females even had to assume responsibility at a very early age to help their mother with these things and to raise younger siblings.

         There is hardly the “stay at home” mom mentality, especially with EIBW. A lot of black men are intimated by EIBW and their mentality. Maybe this kind of black male’s need to control and call all the shots in an evolving society were women are just as ambitious and hard working as men causes conflict. Perhaps they (the males) are confused of their role as the “male” in such cases. Sometimes egos are bruised at the idea of a woman making more money than a man and many of these EIBW are making close to, if not right at six figures. As Tyra mentioned, 73% of interracial marriages involve black men. One audience member, on Tyra’s show,  made the statement that if things keep going they way they are, black women (In America) will be extinct.  A black man’s “trophy wife” (marrying a woman based on looks or ethnicity alone) doesn’t have to be white, although typically whites are the ultimate prize, being erudite usually doesn’t matter. They could be mixed (black and other), Latino, Brazilian, Pilipino, etc. Trophy wives for black males are any other than that of black or the closest from black.

 It is rare that you find an EIBM (man) with an EIBW; there seems to be a conflict of interest. You may hear things like: “Black women have attitudes and are irascible” “A good black woman is hard to find”. This is an indication that the black male finds “otherseasier to “manage”; it indicates that they (others) don’t speak their minds as much and are more submissive and reticent (typically these are gold-diggers or those who depend on a man for their very livelihood).  I don’t believe speaking your mind and being honest with yourself and those around you makes one intransigent. The words “good woman” is subject to ones own interpretation. Of course, none of this applies to everyone meeting this demography but this is the current trend.

Envious|Nature|of Women

 

 I realize this title may seem to some like a sweeping generalization or even a hyperbole. However, from my own empirical experiences, I’d beg to differ.  To some, it may even seem like a good thing to have people envious of you (Usher Raymond’s “Pop Your Collar”), but in truth envy and jealousy is never a good thing for the person who is envious or the person who is being envied; it can easily turn into fuel for hate (envy-er) and vain self-importance (envy-ee). I’d like to point out a few things about this envious nature in case you are confused. Let me note, age does matter, typically younger women, or women who still consider themselves to be young mostly fall into this category and it isn’t everybody but it’s a lot of bodies in my experience—it doesn’t matter state or city.

  1. TypeA who is gregarious and loves attention sees typeB who’s not into the “spotlight” mentality getting…with little to no effort…the same attention if not more attention than typeA— typeA now feels relegated and is now upset with typeB; it doesn’t matter if they know each other or not.  
  2. You’re out  (mall, movies, grocery store, etc) …you don’t have to be dressed up over the top or anything..you have an extemporaneous look, maybe even dressed down… just handling your business and you pass a female stranger (white) and she looks at you with annoyed intimidation mildly glazed in her eyes…starting from your face…then down the rest of your body and then stares into your face again. The look says, “Just who do YOU think you are?
  • For another woman (black American)…the motion is the same, maybe just staring into your face or looking up and down your body, but the look is different. This look says “You ain’t ALL that”.
  • From another woman (Asian, Latina, African, other) the look is stupefied disbelief, like “Impossible….”

It’s the expression on their faces that tell all and I don’t even think they are even aware of their expression, but obviously me looking back into their faces, I can plainly see it for what it is.

Of course, I’ve had more positive experiences with this as well (white, black, other) they would look, and nothing is wrong with that but, guess what? They don’t have that look of annoyed intimidation of their faces and they speak  or smile  (an authentic smile). It’s a look of admiration, if nothing more. Some will say they appreciate your outfit or your beauty; some will simply say hello. I mean seriously, it is rude, to look and stare and have an ugly expression on your face all at once and not even say “Hi” or have some better acknowledgement.

  • Just to throw another out there because there are many, you have females of any and every race and background that are with their boyfriends/husbands, and as you pass, she all of a sudden, holds him close or literally moves his face to another direction, some even dare him to look your way and again gives you the “look” (laughs). It’s really sad and onerous. It’s mostly insecurity about self. Get beyond that by loving yourself, first.

Some women don’t have a lot of female friends, some not any because of this envious nature and I can relate. Also as a result, most of them have more male friends than female. Yes, just friends not friends with benefits. They may say things like,” They are jealous of me” or “They start too much drama”. Now maybe some of you, who were fortunate enough to find true sisterhood (love, unity, and honesty), may think something is wrong with the person who says any of those things. Maybe it is them and not the other woman they accuse. Well, maybe you are right, but can that be true in every situation? It’s highly unlikely. I have many personal experiences with people I actually knew and was close to, but that will have to wait another day in  another blog entry .On a higher note though, I’ve always believed that having a few good friends, male and/or female,  is much better than having 15  lousy “friends”.